“Suddenly it hit me… this fear of failure will never really leave” – a personal reflection by Sam Kamras, actor

This is the last post I will write as a student. By this time next month, I will have finished my last show and will be waiting for my graduation ceremony.

I’m terrified.

For the first time, I will be entering the real world. I’ve never really not been a student. I’ve always had the comfort of scheduled classes and a clear purpose: do your homework and get your degree. What’s my purpose after my diploma is in my hand? I’ve been putting off being a grown up for twenty five years. I guess it’s time…

I don’t know where I’ll be and I don’t know what I’ll be doing. It’s obvious what I want to do: act. It’s what brought me across the pond and lead me on this grand adventure! An adventure that brought me to Russia and onto the Globe stage. I don’t want the adventure to end, but suddenly, I feel helpless and it all seems a little hopeless.

The thing about acting, of course, is that you’re at someone else’s mercy.

I work hard. These past two years of training, I’ve really pushed myself to craft my art. I can look back and say that with pure honesty, which feels good I must say. While in school though, I was guaranteed a role. Once I was accepted into the program, I knew that I would be acting for two years. And before school, I was doing community theatre – high caliber, but I wasn’t auditioning against thousands for a paying job.

I’ve got a strong resume, I’m at my best in my practice, and I’ve been told that I’ve got a bit of talent… but at the end of the day, it’s someone else who has to cast me.

This isn’t the kind of profession where you can take responsibility for your own career. Of course there are things you can do to get as many advantages as possible, but in the end, someone else has to pick you.

I’m afraid of failing. There. I said it.

I’ve been lucky so far. Everything I’ve worked for, I’ve achieved. That’s not to say there haven’t been set backs, but at the end of the day, I’ve gotten where I wanted to go. And it’s all been leading to this!

And now… what?

I’m doing what I can – sending out invitations, applying to theatre postings – but it doesn’t seem like enough.

And suddenly it hits me: my life will always be like this, really. I’m not doubting my pursuing acting. I love the art to no end. But unless I become big and famous, I’ll always be pushing for the next job. This fear of failure will never really leave. It’ll be around the corner of every closing night.

So how do you cope? How do you not lose hope?

That’s the real secret to acting… how do you keep trying, and not lose faith while waiting for a break?

Anyone have an answer?

I’m not doubting, but I’m scared. I feel so small…