Jaylee: You gotta know yourself, before you can show yourself

So being in a rut, in a state of frustration, I have been grappling with the fact that a deadline is upon me – that I have to share a story, a blog, me, with an audience.
And I was like, well I really have no story to tell.
Not any that I can think of that haven’t been said before, that anyone would be interested in reading… I don’t feel inspired or creative to inspire creativity.
What is the “right” post for “the Creative Life Blog?”
I always want to get things, “right”.
But of course, that has been something I have been working on, to just let things flow like water, and not control the outcome for perfection. It’s my conscious desire fighting with my subconscious need.
It’s a habit that has been instilled and ingrained upon me, and as the saying goes, old habits die hard.
This one’s not dying.

“Wrong.”
“No.”
“Yikes.”
*Laughter*.
These are what we hear from a young age about many different things we had desired to do, and/or did, and were socially reprimanded for.
As a creative, often our external surroundings are internalized, and understood through a unique, intuitive process, and then turned into some art form of communication.
People have profound effects on us, even in passing.
Especially artists, as incredibly sensitive as we are, whether we like to admit the gravity of it or not, words can change an outlook on something we care so dearly about, and our perceptions about our capabilities… Of ourselves.
Our psychological mechanisms are suspect to so many variables, and our reactions can be internalized as positive inputs, or they can be earth-shattering negative inputs. These shake us to the core, like a convergent boundary, where we undergo subduction, as the words of another collides with us, and their judgements creep under our skin.
These external pokes into our creative lining, the silver lining of ourselves (some could argue otherwise), take a long time to heal and often translate into our art. More so, it translates into our critical judgement of ourselves. A fear to hear, wrong, no, yikes, what were you thinking?!, laughter, or worse, silence…
So we suppress our creativity, the expression, as an instinctual safety measure. Subconscious sabotage – protecting ourselves by doing more damage.

I am fully aware of this process, of its consequences. And I prepare myself against it, for it.
And yet I still end up doing it.
I let the elephant into the room. That darn audition room.
And then nature fights with itself.
I let fear creep in and my creativity is hampered by the pressures of being right versus wrong.
It’s frustrating, and sends me through an induced episode of neurosis. Ridiculous, right?
I am quite efficient at managing and working through my problems, seeking out solutions.
Yet, this problem from every perspective and angle, puzzles me, and my senses betray me.
How do we stop the fears of being wrong?

Fully believing, that the director, producers, casting directors, and everybody else are rooting for us to be as we are.
Then to walk in confident, as an authority of our interpretation of story, with the successful cultivation of a character, living and breathing (echoed from a blog by The Actor’s Foundry).
Then we can be open, one hundred percent for collaboration.
It’s hard to face so much rejection and yet remain with ribs wide open, baring the heart and soul of life through oneself.
To be tough and vulnerable interchangeably, separating business from the craft.
To separate judgement from the craft.
To get rid of the “test-taking” condemnation that is the audition, after the first moments of excitement and adrenaline.
To just focus on the love, and the fun that is this art form.

The job of a tattoo artist can be seen as an analogous to acting and the audition process.
You have an idea for a new tattoo, and you need a brilliant tattoo artist to execute your dream. You look at their skill set. You look through references and shops, calling and meeting with a few to find the best one for your idea. You consult, share your idea of the guidelines that you expect, and leave the rest for their interpretation. Then you let them come up with a design, and they bring it back to you. You look it over and then give a few adjustments, and they come back with their adjustments. You collaborate. Then the piece has been completed, in a form that went beyond your expectations, that was interpreted as theirs, and yet is perfectly your own.

Now to compare that with an audition.
Us actors are the tattoo artists. The directors and writers are the people with the tattoo concept. Casting and the producers serve as the bridge between.
The audition isn’t a test to see if you can act, or to see if you can get it “right”. The audition is an appointment for a consult, to see your interpretation, and to collaborate.
Let your skillset speak for itself, and don’t worry about getting it right, or that it’s a big opportunity to book.
It’s a big opportunity to collaborate, and share what we love.
Releasing pressure from the audition, and off of our chests, will be like slowly twisting the cap off of a carbonated drink… pausing as the trapped gas escapes at it’s own pace… and then twisting the cap the rest of the way, and finally taking it off.
It’s about removing the blockage between creativity and communication.

Who said acting was easy?
Hah.
Who said good acting was easy?
Who said great acting, was easy?
Who said living, was easy?
You gotta know yourself, before you can show yourself – before you can know someone else, before you can show someone else.
“Are you a rusher, or are you a dragger, or are you going to be on my fucking time?” – Whiplash
Sometimes the best work is the ugliest and toughest work.
To deal with the bull, your bull, which is an elephant – which is actually just a harmless, sensitive, beautiful creature that you you want to hug and ride into the sahara sunset.
(And yes, there are elephants in the sahara desert, they have survived the harsh migration. A journey.)
Like the creative journey.
I’m sure not all creative journeys have Himalayas like mine, but for those of you that share in my experiences, make those hands bleed folks.

---

Loved This Piece by Jaylee Hamidi?

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR MONTHLY NEWSLETTER – and get that month’s interviews, more stories from Jaylee and others, and Creative Life updates right to your inbox.

You Can Also Follow Us By:

SUBSCRIBING TO OUR RSS FEED

FOLLOWING US ON

• Facebook
• Twitter