Jaylee: My Twenties Have Been Hard. There’s So Much I Thought I’d Have Together By Now.

Life can seem so hard sometimes.

YES. We in the western hemisphere have it “so hard”.

We are so privileged, we are so blessed, lucky, capable, able, and have a multitude of opportunities to choosefrom; as much as the aforementioned sarcastic sentiment is true the situation, the juncture, the choices, the state of emotion or emotions that we’re experiencing can definitely still seem shitty.

 To blow them off because we compare ourselves to those around the world is A: altruistic, B: means you have a fully functional conscious, C: aren’t arrogant, and D: aren’t ignorant and are knowledgeable of current events. But to do so for those reasons is also E: a logical fallacy.

Believe me, I applaud you for recognizing all of the above, I do the exact same thing. I cry for the cruelty that is endured by innocent children and adults all over the world. My empathy and compassion are uncontrollable.

So yes, we have roofs over our heads, our choice of one greasy food option to a vegan, gluten free salad, and we are definitely not at risk nor cowering from bombs. However, it doesn’t make our trials and tribulations any less true or valid.

Everybody is watching their own story unfold. Every good story has its ups and downs, plot twists, comedic relief, climaxes, and finally – the death.

Just kidding. You get the picture. Everyone’s story is no more or less worthy or important than the other. Unless you’re Justin Bieber.

Again, just kidding. One can even feel sorry for that twat whom has had his childhood sold.

 

This is going to be a more mushy blog post, more vulnerable for me.

Recently, to say I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, is an understatement. Confused– almost in a conscious limbo. I was stressing about everything, a lot of what was out of my control. Feeling trapped by outside forces. Completely unhappy of where I am in life. Dude, my shit is not all figured out. No where near. I seemed to be failing myself. I felt like I kept running full speed through a meadow of flowers into a wall. I kept thinking, “It’s the dead-end. My life sucks.” Half joking, half serious. It’s actually been for quite a while. I’m pretty good at hiding it, so at times I was able to fool myself.

I was unconscious of how seriously it was affecting me. How seriously it was effecting how I communicated with others around me (or lack thereof communication), my work, and most of all, seeming to dry up my inspiration. It was only until I felt myself feel uninspired that the red flag went up, the alarms all sounded. I was depressed. Feeling almost manic because when I felt “happy” I wanted to hold on to it so badly.

I’ve had to deal with a lot of flack in my early days to the present. A lot of disbelief, a lot of discouragement… a lot of doubt and judgement, both outside and self-inflicted… in many different contexts and situations. It hurts the most when it comes to the pieces of me that I’m most passionate about; most prominently my acting. And a lot of it comes from my family.

As much as it hurts, and sucks, and makes me resentful, I understand that its just cause they don’t understand. And they never will. We look at the world, and people, and art from very different scopes.

It’s so hard to share these days when you’re feelingunderneath the world. With everyone around you blasting your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram feeds with how on top of the world they are, one tends to shy away from opening up about those other kinds of feelings, for fear of being inferior in comparison. No one wants to be that person. The deep rooted stigma, the taboo. God, thepressure.

But that’s not right.

I wouldn’t hate you for it. In fact I would hug you for it. Cause that feels nice too.

I try to always be there for people, my friends, even strangers. I have seen the power in lending an open ear, the way it can impact someone, small or big. So why couldn’t I let someone do that for me?

Well I finally did.

I’ve realized as much as it sucks to be unloading what seems like your bullshit, the right people can actually help you turn it into a map to daisies. They’re there. You just need to allow yourself the privilege to open up. Be vulnerable. And share how you’re really feeling (seems to be a common vein within my posts).

And the ones that do say, “oh stop complaining”, well you don’t need them anyway.

I realized however, that I am surrounded by a truly, very special group of people in my life. Many of those whom aren’t blood-related. Those of whom I have met in different experiences and chapters of my life, and have had the privilege to have them stay by my side. And the knowledge that others will enter later on. We are all so lucky. You never know who will listen enough to throw sunshine into the dark cloud that you can’t seem to shake.

It doesn’t vanish right away, the rest is up to you. But it helps a whole lot to clear up your perspective.

Not only through personal self-reflection, but through my discourse with people I meet at work, to colleagues and friends, the 20s are the hardest. There’s so much you thought you’d have together. So much you thought you would have accomplished by now. Man did we really have no idea when we were 8 years old where we’d be at 21, 24, 28…

It’s a lot to work through and out. And its OKAY! Just going through the motions, isn’t healthy. Use both the ups and the downs of your life to learn about yourself. To prepare you for your future, whatever you are working towards, or even not working towards. Don’t sweat it too much. Life is truly about self-discovery. Your experiences and your reactions are all narratives of you. Inspiration lies in the unknown. Life. Seize every opportunity to do something, anything. Being in your vortex of self– (insert adjective/verb) is just implosive. Don’t give in to the apathy. Its easy, almost eerily comforting, but in the long run will do the most damage.

And those of you whom have truly been at rock-bottom know the feeling and the energy it takes out of you. You endure challenges in the simplest and most difficult ways. So when you’re feeling down and out, don’t tap out.

You’d be surprised at how much of a fight you do really still have in you.