Matt: My commitment grew to something formerly inconceivable, all only possible due to a cycle of caring and failing

I told Christine—who runs this blog—that my next post, finally, will not be some personal whine lamenting the choices I have made… (Though, I albeit hope these meanderings are at least mildly entertaining). “My next post will be about acting!” I declared.

I just returned from Russia, where—long post short—I came full circle in regards to my feelings about acting. I like it. A lot. I can think of nothing—(and I say this dryly, matter-of-factly)—better to do. So, for better or worse, this is where I’m committed. This post is about acting.

In high school (over ten years ago now) I ran. A lot.

I was madly devoted to running, known for my ethic and intensity. When I toed the line opponents moved aside. A decent conceit then, for an athlete, but one that ultimately did not match the results. When it mattered most—at most large competitions or races—I would lose, and lose badly, (metaphorically—and once or twice, literally—falling on my face in defeat). So, considering the effort, my story was one of rather tragic comedy.

 

But I continued to work, with each public failure—(and there were many)—driving me to further depths only to re-emerge more motivated than before.

In college it reached ridiculous levels, with my Ahab-like-self donning weighted clothing so as to continuously be exerting. Though I did improve, the crushing defeats continued, each more acutely felt than the last… and while the results appeared relatively constant, something new, was, actually happening. When I lost, or was unable to run due to injury—when I hit the ground with what felt so little to show—a question was begged:

“How much do you care?”

I cared. A lot. Each time more than before. This is what made high school efforts comparatively juvenile to college and college efforts amateurish to what followed. My commitment grew to something formerly inconceivable, all only possible due to a cycle of caring and failing.

This post is about acting because I am in year five of my performance pursuit—year two in earnest—and the same theorem, I believe, applies. As I ran and lost and ran again, I not only found new levels of effort, but I learnt about my craft. I’m a wizened running General at this point, more efficient, stable, far more victorious with far less stress. In acting, I’m a newbie. One day I hope not to be, but I’m guessing it comes down to a simple question: “How much do you care?” You can ask yourself now, but you’ll probably figure it out as you go.